Question: Nealey, thou art wise beyond your years: why is the term "commencement" used to conclude academic voyages when in actuality, the root word "commence" means to begin or start?
Loyal subject, your inquiry is appreciated.
Answer: The wizard's in a nasty mood today kids, so there's no guarantees on the laugh factor.
When I hear 'commencement' I hear Pomp and Circumstance... An abyss of tears, flowers, balloons and fake 'goodbye' hugs flood my memory. An unsuccessful synchronized cap toss was the bane of my day. Of course I'm recalling my high school graduation, which I actually don't even think is a commencement at all. But alas, it's the only commencement I remember. I spent my college graduation on my couch, eating all day watching TV with friends. It was a great day.
The last thing I wanted to do was be in a stuffy room being herded like cattle, promenading among a bunch of people I never wanted to see again. For me, it was still a commencement. I was commencing the life I had been waiting for. The one sans school. This, for me was a nice day. For others, I've heard, it is a day to congratulate themselves on doing what millions of other kids around the country do every semester. I was hardly about to congratulate myself.
It took me five years to figure out the exact amount of classes I could get away with skipping, the number of times I could use the same excuse (once per class, per semester), and the fact that that little bit of multiplication means that in my last two years of school, I lied my way out of a potential 18 exams, papers, projects, and assignments. Note: This figure is merely an approximation, due to the fact that I often found myself making up lies to get through an entire class. I'm no math wiz, but apparently a minimalist. I have no shame. But I did have four simple rules:
1. never lie about something that could still happen or someone that still exists
2. never dodge anything that would cause more harm than good
3. never be vague when making excuses, leaves room for questions
4. never change your lie during the semester, due to the possibilities of cross referencing
Let me clarify these rules:
1a. I never lied about people who still lived (until last year) due to superstition. But it's still a rule, because the guilty aftermath is, trust me, not worth it. Just take a few more minutes and rearrange your story. Anyway, last year, because it was by far the most sneakiest of my years, I honestly ran out of dead and fake people so I had to use some existing ones. After the first time I felt really bad and was really nervous that bad things were going to start happening. But then I realized that I lie about good stuff all the time and that never comes true so when all remained quiet on the Western front, I let loose. Anyway, it's still a rule.
2a. I use the term 'harm' loosely, because I don't see bad grades as 'harm'. I see failing as harm. So in my case, I would say that sleeping in and failing a class would be doing more harm than good. However, watching tv and hanging out with my friends, or even working instead of going to class is doing much more good than harm. This includes doing these things instead of writing a paper and/or studying for an exam (if I've already prepared an excuse to buy me time). Most of the time late papers/delayed exams/ and excessive absences cause much more good than harm because as long as you've got a good excuse, these things go unpenalised and I've found can buy you very valuable time.
3a. Vagueness allows professors to think you're lying. I never left a detail untold. For example, four years ago, I decided that I prefered to watch Friends in my dorm room instead of going to my Western Civilization class. My dorm was 25ft from my classroom. I wrote my professor an email an hour after class and said the following:
"Dear Russian Professor that no one can understand and that everyone makes fun of,
I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to class today, my roommate woke up with explosive diarrhea and intense vomiting. I had to drive her to the St. Barnabas Hospital. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to make up the time lost.
Sincerely,
Nealey Politano"
no questions necessary.
4a. For the first 3 years of college, my story was that my brother was in a coma. For my last 2 years it was that my cousin died of Leukemia. Now okay this is not so cool because it happened, but I'm sure that he would be glad that he's provided me with so much joy. Actually I wouldn't doubt it, rest his soul. Anyway, when you've got a lie so big, and you're using it throughout the semester it's dangerous to change it because you could definitely confuse yourself and make mistakes. Also you could forget if you've already used that lie on that professor and it could just get really messy. Stay consistant.
This is what my GPA looked like when I graduated:
3.7
who would've guessed.
You can read more about being a shitty student in my book "How to Get More Out of Less."
Anyway, my kind, affectuous reader, commencement's meaning can be quite confusing and even paradoxical to what you're actually doing on that long awaited day. The reason is simple.
In Middle English, not to be confused with Middle Earth, the term is 'comsemente'. While it's the beginning of an activity, it's also the entrance upon privileges of a doctor or master in a university, also the action of taking on a full degree. In the latin word 'cominitiare', com- means 'together' and 'initiare' means initiate. Put 'em together and what do you get?
One under-achieving smartass.
Congratulations...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Second Sydney Thoughts
It's my 7th week here and I'm just starting to use the gym in my building. It's quite small and old, but it suits my needs just fine. Unfortunately I've accumulated this dark brown mucus in my lungs because the only ventilation is coming from the small pool room which has so much chlorine in the air that it burns my esophagus when I breath. This is what pneumonia looks like.
I was on a bus and these three people got on. They were joking around and being loud and then this crazy drunk man started screaming at one of them about how he's a piece of shit because he doesn't look out for his friends. The conversation ended with all four of them singing Piano Man.
This is the piano man.
I went to a music festival and the following ensued...
I was in the bathroom and some girl asked me for some eyeliner. I gave it to her. Then she asked me for some mascara. I gave it to her. Then she asked me how her pigtails looked. I said messy but even. Then she said, no I mean do I look young, how old are you? I said 23. She said, oh so I look younger than you right? I don't even remember what I said.
This is what a bitch looks like.
Then I stole a snickers.
I don't like snickers.
Then a smelly, sweaty man came up to us and started talking to us. He seemed nice enough so we made some conversation. Eventually I asked him where he was from and he said 'oh i'm homeless, I sleep out back.'
This is a picture of the man's belongings:
This is what the man looked like.
I was on a bus and these three people got on. They were joking around and being loud and then this crazy drunk man started screaming at one of them about how he's a piece of shit because he doesn't look out for his friends. The conversation ended with all four of them singing Piano Man.
This is the piano man.
I went to a music festival and the following ensued...
I was in the bathroom and some girl asked me for some eyeliner. I gave it to her. Then she asked me for some mascara. I gave it to her. Then she asked me how her pigtails looked. I said messy but even. Then she said, no I mean do I look young, how old are you? I said 23. She said, oh so I look younger than you right? I don't even remember what I said.
This is what a bitch looks like.
Then I stole a snickers.
I don't like snickers.
Then a smelly, sweaty man came up to us and started talking to us. He seemed nice enough so we made some conversation. Eventually I asked him where he was from and he said 'oh i'm homeless, I sleep out back.'
This is a picture of the man's belongings:
This is what the man looked like.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Nealey's Mythbusting Series
Question: Nealey, Nealey, Nealey thou art wise far beyond your years. My experience has lead me to believe that everyone from Ohio must be abnormal to some extent. Is there any truth to my belief?
Brave inquisitor, your devotion has no price.
Answer: I hate to be the one to say it, but yes there is much truth to your belief. Actually, I take that back, I don't hate being the one to say anything. Let's be serious. We'll start with the story of Bessie, the monster that's been spotted off Ohio's coast of Lake Eerie for many years now. These are the things we know about said Bessie:
1. blackish greenish
2. 30-50ft long.
3. serpant-like
4. bears a striking resemblance to Jack Nicholson
Bess
Jack
Before moving on, I must address the size approximation of the beast. 30-50ft is a rather large difference. Therefore, I have chosen to put it into perspective for you. 30ft is 4.67 Abraham Lincolns stacked on top of himself. 50ft is 7.8 of the same man stacked on top of himself. Below there is a photo of what this might look like.
Anyway, during the Industrial Revolution there was a power plant located near the polluted lake called Davis Besse. Uhhhh Besse, as in Bessie? As in the similarly named toxicly mutated eel that is thought to somehow be related to Nessie, the Lochness Monster. As if they belong to this not yet scientifically discovered genus of giant scaled mythological dinosaur snakes? Yeah right.
One of the 34th largest state's claim to fame is it's nickname "Buckeye State". A Buckeye is a tree and sometimes referred to as the Fetid Buckeye because of the fact that it smells like poo. Here is a picture of poo to show you what I mean. 
Ohio's political significance far surpasses its importance
in any other category. This is because it's a swing state,
but also a bellwether state. This is a Middle English
term used to describe the practice of hanging a bell
from the neck of a castrated ram.
Below is a picture of an uncastrated ram.
These are some
giant ram balls
The idea of the bellwether is to predict where the flock is headed long before you can see it. Ohio is noted as such because quite often its presidential selection is the winner.
Ohio is also home to America's Best Restroom.
Jungle Jim's Restroom:
seriously, who cares.
Below I've included a list of people who were born in Ohio to further prove my point:
Carmen Electra - another sad case of genetic mutation
Toni Morrison - only the single most terrible and miserably boring author ever
Steven Speilberg - okay, they can have this one, but he's still weird - ET, AI, MIB II
Anne Heche - gay...straight...gay...straight, can anyone say hermaphrodite?
Drew Carey - this was a cheap shot.
So in conclusion, Ohio, much like Nick Lachey's solo career, has never had anything good come out of it.
I hope I've answered your question.
Brave inquisitor, your devotion has no price.
Answer: I hate to be the one to say it, but yes there is much truth to your belief. Actually, I take that back, I don't hate being the one to say anything. Let's be serious. We'll start with the story of Bessie, the monster that's been spotted off Ohio's coast of Lake Eerie for many years now. These are the things we know about said Bessie:
1. blackish greenish
2. 30-50ft long.
3. serpant-like
4. bears a striking resemblance to Jack Nicholson
Bess
Jack
Before moving on, I must address the size approximation of the beast. 30-50ft is a rather large difference. Therefore, I have chosen to put it into perspective for you. 30ft is 4.67 Abraham Lincolns stacked on top of himself. 50ft is 7.8 of the same man stacked on top of himself. Below there is a photo of what this might look like.
Anyway, during the Industrial Revolution there was a power plant located near the polluted lake called Davis Besse. Uhhhh Besse, as in Bessie? As in the similarly named toxicly mutated eel that is thought to somehow be related to Nessie, the Lochness Monster. As if they belong to this not yet scientifically discovered genus of giant scaled mythological dinosaur snakes? Yeah right.
One of the 34th largest state's claim to fame is it's nickname "Buckeye State". A Buckeye is a tree and sometimes referred to as the Fetid Buckeye because of the fact that it smells like poo. Here is a picture of poo to show you what I mean.
Ohio's political significance far surpasses its importance
in any other category. This is because it's a swing state,
but also a bellwether state. This is a Middle English
term used to describe the practice of hanging a bell
from the neck of a castrated ram.
Below is a picture of an uncastrated ram.
These are some
giant ram balls
The idea of the bellwether is to predict where the flock is headed long before you can see it. Ohio is noted as such because quite often its presidential selection is the winner.
Ohio is also home to America's Best Restroom.
Jungle Jim's Restroom:
seriously, who cares.
Below I've included a list of people who were born in Ohio to further prove my point:
Carmen Electra - another sad case of genetic mutation
Toni Morrison - only the single most terrible and miserably boring author ever
Steven Speilberg - okay, they can have this one, but he's still weird - ET, AI, MIB II
Anne Heche - gay...straight...gay...straight, can anyone say hermaphrodite?
Drew Carey - this was a cheap shot.
So in conclusion, Ohio, much like Nick Lachey's solo career, has never had anything good come out of it.
I hope I've answered your question.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Nealey's Mythbusting Series
Question: Oh Nealey, thou art wise beyond your years, do you think you could take out a kangaroo if you happened to encounter one on the streets of Sydney?
Thank you for your question dedicated reader.
Answer: The average Red Kangaroo hopping about Australia is the largest and most commonly seen. Derived from the Aboriginal word gangurru these kangaroos can weigh up to nearly 200lbs and reach up to 6'6", which is taller than former president and abolitionist Abraham Lincoln (my friend's avidly proclaimed favorite el presidente) seen here:
woops sorry that's a tomato. But I bet you didn't know that when you type Abe Lincoln into google images this is what you get. Maybe he liked tomatoes, they are healthy. And this one has a lovely pigmentation.
Abe Lincoln seen here:
So if you do see Abe Lincoln or a Red Kangaroo (not actually red) make sure you recognize the size comparison and then probably in both cases, run away quickly.
Yes, Kangaroos are cute in that 'disembowel you with one kick' sort of way but they are more of a mystery than anything else. Below are the reasons why I think kangaroos are just like Leonardo DiCaprio:
1. you want to see them because you think they're cool, but then when you do see them they irritate you and you want to shoot them.
2. their meat is both lean and gamey, much like venison.
3. although they wreak havoc on your life/farm you would still like to keep one as a pet
4. they both had a brief stint on Growing Pains
5. both were raised in a pouch and encouraged to suckle teat until the age of 2
The family of macropodidae meaning 'large foot' is clear when confronted with one of these giant deer-like rabbit beasts.
When in full stride these roos can get up to 40 mph, that's nuts.
Although people are now starting to think "don't get near those man, I heard they kick like a bitch" a kangaroo very rarely attacks a person unprovoked. However, in 1934 a man trying to save his dogs from a scuffle was killed, but I'm not sure what part of a kangaroo and dog fight this man saw himself succeeding in but whatever.
Kangaroos often box among themselves:
but never humans:
for obvious reasons.
So, to conclude, no if I were confronted with a kangaroo in the streets of Sydney I don't think I would be able to take it out. I would take a picture though. And then try to touch it. And then I would slip it an Ambien and run back to my apartment and grab my harpoon gun and shoot it right in the middle of the street. Then I would sell it to a local tribe of natives for its skin and meat. And I would cut off the foot and use it as a souvenir and a back scratcher. The balls I would hang from my rearview mirror, and they will be my 'something borrowed' when I get married.
Kangaroo 'harvesting' (hunting) is very common here as they run rampant much like deer and can very easily overpopulate. However, no kangaroos were harmed in the writing of this blog.
I hope I've answered your question.
Thank you for your question dedicated reader.
Answer: The average Red Kangaroo hopping about Australia is the largest and most commonly seen. Derived from the Aboriginal word gangurru these kangaroos can weigh up to nearly 200lbs and reach up to 6'6", which is taller than former president and abolitionist Abraham Lincoln (my friend's avidly proclaimed favorite el presidente) seen here:
woops sorry that's a tomato. But I bet you didn't know that when you type Abe Lincoln into google images this is what you get. Maybe he liked tomatoes, they are healthy. And this one has a lovely pigmentation.Abe Lincoln seen here:
So if you do see Abe Lincoln or a Red Kangaroo (not actually red) make sure you recognize the size comparison and then probably in both cases, run away quickly.
Yes, Kangaroos are cute in that 'disembowel you with one kick' sort of way but they are more of a mystery than anything else. Below are the reasons why I think kangaroos are just like Leonardo DiCaprio:
1. you want to see them because you think they're cool, but then when you do see them they irritate you and you want to shoot them.
2. their meat is both lean and gamey, much like venison.
3. although they wreak havoc on your life/farm you would still like to keep one as a pet
4. they both had a brief stint on Growing Pains
5. both were raised in a pouch and encouraged to suckle teat until the age of 2
The family of macropodidae meaning 'large foot' is clear when confronted with one of these giant deer-like rabbit beasts.
When in full stride these roos can get up to 40 mph, that's nuts.
Although people are now starting to think "don't get near those man, I heard they kick like a bitch" a kangaroo very rarely attacks a person unprovoked. However, in 1934 a man trying to save his dogs from a scuffle was killed, but I'm not sure what part of a kangaroo and dog fight this man saw himself succeeding in but whatever.
Kangaroos often box among themselves:
but never humans:
for obvious reasons.
So, to conclude, no if I were confronted with a kangaroo in the streets of Sydney I don't think I would be able to take it out. I would take a picture though. And then try to touch it. And then I would slip it an Ambien and run back to my apartment and grab my harpoon gun and shoot it right in the middle of the street. Then I would sell it to a local tribe of natives for its skin and meat. And I would cut off the foot and use it as a souvenir and a back scratcher. The balls I would hang from my rearview mirror, and they will be my 'something borrowed' when I get married.
Kangaroo 'harvesting' (hunting) is very common here as they run rampant much like deer and can very easily overpopulate. However, no kangaroos were harmed in the writing of this blog.
I hope I've answered your question.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Nealey's Mythbusting Series
This will be the commencement of my mythbuster series. It will be called Nealey's Mythbusting Series. Ask me questions in my comments and I will answer them. And if you don't, I'll pretend.
Question: Oh Nealey, thou art wise beyond your years, could you please tell me if the toilets really flush counter clockwise in Australia?
Stranger, I would be happy to answer your question, thank you for submitting it.
Answer: This is in fact not a fact. I have noticed this because I've developed a bit of a fascination with the bathrooms or 'toilets' as they're called here because of their extremely modern facilities. The toilets actually flush straight down, there is no swirling about. Below are the reasons I think they are designed like this:
1. to save water
2. to save time in between users
3. to avoid skid marks around toilet bowl
4. to avoid aerating the poo so that the smell escapes the bowl
This mystery is achieved because the bowl is designed deeper, to allow gravity to take its course.
This is a picture of an Australian toilet. As you can see, the bowl is larger and not shallow like an American toilet bowl.
The toilets (bathrooms) in Australia have many high-tech amenities to offer its guests. Instead of a handle, there are one or two large buttons to press. One is a half-cirlce and one is a full circle. If there is only one button it's just a regular old circular circle. After investigation, I discovered that the half-circle is for #1 and the full circle is for #2. Below I've listed the reasons I think they've done this.
1. to save water
The soap dispensers in the toilets (bathrooms) are always full, and I've only come across one toilet (bathroom) that didn't have any toilet roll (toilet paper) left. And that was in a dirty club and there was pee on the floor. The sinks are always pretty and clean and there are as many sinks as there are toilet bowls which is smart. Below are the reasons why I think this has happened.
1. to encourage public health
2. to avoid queues (lines) in the toilet (bathroom)
Some of the toilets (bathrooms) don't have a toilet roll (toilet paper) dispenser like in the US. They have what appears to be similar but you pull out individual pieces of tissue like a box of Kleenex. This is annoying because your arm gets tired. Below are the reasons why I think this is going on.
1. to save paper
2. to prevent bum irritation from over wiping.
There are some really amazing public toilet (bathroom) facilities for no reason. You can just be walking along the harbour and WHAM there's a beautiful public toilet (bathroom) and you can turn to your friend and say , "Champion! Mate, there's a toilet right there I was about to take a wee on yer head" that means "that's great friend we found a bathroom, I almost peed on you."
There are some public bathrooms that smell like industrial solvent, but that's okay because it must be clean. But there's one in particular that I really enjoy using because it smells lovely and it's always sparkling. I like to imagine that when I walk in there's an angel standing there holding one thousand wonderful smelling flowers. It's actually a little Chinese woman spraying Glade or Hujakizo which is the Japanese version of Glade.
I hope I've answered your question.
Question: Oh Nealey, thou art wise beyond your years, could you please tell me if the toilets really flush counter clockwise in Australia?
Stranger, I would be happy to answer your question, thank you for submitting it.
Answer: This is in fact not a fact. I have noticed this because I've developed a bit of a fascination with the bathrooms or 'toilets' as they're called here because of their extremely modern facilities. The toilets actually flush straight down, there is no swirling about. Below are the reasons I think they are designed like this:
1. to save water
2. to save time in between users
3. to avoid skid marks around toilet bowl
4. to avoid aerating the poo so that the smell escapes the bowl
This mystery is achieved because the bowl is designed deeper, to allow gravity to take its course.
This is a picture of an Australian toilet. As you can see, the bowl is larger and not shallow like an American toilet bowl.
The toilets (bathrooms) in Australia have many high-tech amenities to offer its guests. Instead of a handle, there are one or two large buttons to press. One is a half-cirlce and one is a full circle. If there is only one button it's just a regular old circular circle. After investigation, I discovered that the half-circle is for #1 and the full circle is for #2. Below I've listed the reasons I think they've done this.
1. to save water
The soap dispensers in the toilets (bathrooms) are always full, and I've only come across one toilet (bathroom) that didn't have any toilet roll (toilet paper) left. And that was in a dirty club and there was pee on the floor. The sinks are always pretty and clean and there are as many sinks as there are toilet bowls which is smart. Below are the reasons why I think this has happened.
1. to encourage public health
2. to avoid queues (lines) in the toilet (bathroom)
Some of the toilets (bathrooms) don't have a toilet roll (toilet paper) dispenser like in the US. They have what appears to be similar but you pull out individual pieces of tissue like a box of Kleenex. This is annoying because your arm gets tired. Below are the reasons why I think this is going on.
1. to save paper
2. to prevent bum irritation from over wiping.
There are some really amazing public toilet (bathroom) facilities for no reason. You can just be walking along the harbour and WHAM there's a beautiful public toilet (bathroom) and you can turn to your friend and say , "Champion! Mate, there's a toilet right there I was about to take a wee on yer head" that means "that's great friend we found a bathroom, I almost peed on you."
There are some public bathrooms that smell like industrial solvent, but that's okay because it must be clean. But there's one in particular that I really enjoy using because it smells lovely and it's always sparkling. I like to imagine that when I walk in there's an angel standing there holding one thousand wonderful smelling flowers. It's actually a little Chinese woman spraying Glade or Hujakizo which is the Japanese version of Glade.
I hope I've answered your question.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ice, Ice Baby
Me and my roommate had our first actual battle last night (and I won). But it was fought on silent fronts. She always has the heat on ridiculously high and I'm always just walking in and turning it off. As soon as I leave the room she always turns it back on, but she'll never do it in front of me because, well I imagine I scare her. But anyway so I went into the shower and for the 10th time she turned it back on. Now let me just preface the next part by saying she's always cold for no legitimate reason. She's always running around in shorts and a spaghetti strap tank so if she was actually cold she could just , oh I don't know, put some fucking clothes on. I walk around in the same attire, but I'm sweltering hot and can barely breath. I also sleep with just a sheet and she sleeps with a hoodie and wrapped up in a cocoon. So anyway I get out of the shower and the heat's back on. Like when I say heat I'm talking like I step out of the shower and brush my teeth and have a layer of sweat on me. So I'm like fine, she wants to fuck with me, she's got it. So I went into the one bedroom we share, at like 8.30pm like I always do , because if I don't do something at night, I prefer to just read and I don't read in the living room because she's always got either her 2003 music on or some movie that I rented that she'll never pay for. So anyway I went into the room, closed the door, and got dressed for bed. Because the heat blasts in the bedroom I opened our sliding door all the way (we have a long balcony that runs the length of the apartment so we have doors in the bedroom and living room). Now, remember it's winter here, so it's probably like 45 degrees outside, so I climb into bed. With the bedroom door closed and the balcony door open I have created an ice box. So at midnight when she comes in the room to go to bed it's so fucking cold she can't even handle it. And because she would NEVER dare to either wake me up and ask me to close the door, or close the door herself for fear of waking me up, she just got her pjs (and by pjs I mean hoodie) and went back out and slept on the couch. If she wants the heat on, I'll just freeze her out of her own goddamn bedroom. Annoying fuck that she is.
nealey - 1
annoying roomate - 0
nealey - 1
annoying roomate - 0
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
First Sydney Thoughts
So I've been in Sydney, Australia now for 2 weeks and 3 days. I've had enough, it's time to go home. I've taken my pictures, I've been to the Opera House. Newsflash, it's just another place in the world. I have a job and that's it. I look forward to things, as well as spend some nights completely bored, curling under my sheets at 7.30pm to read my book. I had an idea to post my emails to my friends on my blog when I got home, but seeings as how I lost interest in emailing during the second week, it's become another faded plan of mine. I'm smelling someone's McDonalds....chicken nuggets I presume. No wait, it's KFC. KFC is huge here, I don't really get it. The Burger King is called something else I can't remember, oh right Hungry Jacks...who's Jack? Is he the king of Australia? What a weird way to honor someone so important.
I would love to tear into a drumstick of oldly fried cancerous chicken, but there's something going on with the pressure in the Southern Hemisphere or something because I feel like I've either acquired Celiac's disease or lactose intolerance or some other unpleasantry having only to do with my digestive track.
So i can't stand my roomate here and i'm going to unfacebook friend her as soon as I'm done writing this. She is by far the most moronic species of anything to ever come out of Ohio I've ever met. (she's only the 2nd person I've ever met from Ohio, but I'm serious). So far she's ruined 4 rather expensive bras and I am responsible for everything. If it breaks, I have to get someone to fix it. I have to take the trash out, I have to remind her everywhere we go to bring her ID, money, bus pass, shoes, head, brain, keys. Kill me, just pistol whip me into a blissful state of unconsciousness where I no longer have to wake up and see her in the same fucking sports bra she's been wearing for weeks. Maybe it's because she's ruined her laundry as she has mine. Or maybe it's because she doesn't actually live in Ohio like she says, but she lives in a cardboard box, on Saturn with her toothless hillbilly boyfriend where they do nothing but eat ritz crackers and catch imaginary space fish all day. Now that I've put this into words, I'm quite sure that that's exactly where she's from.
I would love to tear into a drumstick of oldly fried cancerous chicken, but there's something going on with the pressure in the Southern Hemisphere or something because I feel like I've either acquired Celiac's disease or lactose intolerance or some other unpleasantry having only to do with my digestive track.
So i can't stand my roomate here and i'm going to unfacebook friend her as soon as I'm done writing this. She is by far the most moronic species of anything to ever come out of Ohio I've ever met. (she's only the 2nd person I've ever met from Ohio, but I'm serious). So far she's ruined 4 rather expensive bras and I am responsible for everything. If it breaks, I have to get someone to fix it. I have to take the trash out, I have to remind her everywhere we go to bring her ID, money, bus pass, shoes, head, brain, keys. Kill me, just pistol whip me into a blissful state of unconsciousness where I no longer have to wake up and see her in the same fucking sports bra she's been wearing for weeks. Maybe it's because she's ruined her laundry as she has mine. Or maybe it's because she doesn't actually live in Ohio like she says, but she lives in a cardboard box, on Saturn with her toothless hillbilly boyfriend where they do nothing but eat ritz crackers and catch imaginary space fish all day. Now that I've put this into words, I'm quite sure that that's exactly where she's from.
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