Nealey's Mythbusting Series

Question: Nealey, Nealey, Nealey thou art wise far beyond your years. My experience has lead me to believe that everyone from Ohio must be abnormal to some extent. Is there any truth to my belief?

Brave inquisitor, your devotion has no price.

Answer: I hate to be the one to say it, but yes there is much truth to your belief. Actually, I take that back, I don't hate being the one to say anything. Let's be serious. We'll start with the story of Bessie, the monster that's been spotted off Ohio's coast of Lake Eerie for many years now. These are the things we know about said Bessie:
1. blackish greenish
2. 30-50ft long.
3. serpant-like
4. bears a striking resemblance to Jack Nicholson

Bess

Jack

Before moving on, I must address the size approximation of the beast. 30-50ft is a rather large difference. Therefore, I have chosen to put it into perspective for you. 30ft is 4.67 Abraham Lincolns stacked on top of himself. 50ft is 7.8 of the same man stacked on top of himself. Below there is a photo of what this might look like.



Anyway, during the Industrial Revolution there was a power plant located near the polluted lake called Davis Besse. Uhhhh Besse, as in Bessie? As in the similarly named toxicly mutated eel that is thought to somehow be related to Nessie, the Lochness Monster. As if they belong to this not yet scientifically discovered genus of giant scaled mythological dinosaur snakes? Yeah right.

One of the 34th largest state's claim to fame is it's nickname "Buckeye State". A Buckeye is a tree and sometimes referred to as the Fetid Buckeye because of the fact that it smells like poo. Here is a picture of poo to show you what I mean.

Ohio's political significance far surpasses its importance
in any other category. This is because it's a swing state,
but also a bellwether state. This is a Middle English
term used to describe the practice of hanging a bell
from the neck of a castrated ram.
Below is a picture of an uncastrated ram.

These are some
giant ram balls


The idea of the bellwether is to predict where the flock is headed long before you can see it. Ohio is noted as such because quite often its presidential selection is the winner.

Ohio is also home to America's Best Restroom.
Jungle Jim's Restroom:

seriously, who cares.

Below I've included a list of people who were born in Ohio to further prove my point:

Carmen Electra - another sad case of genetic mutation
Toni Morrison - only the single most terrible and miserably boring author ever
Steven Speilberg - okay, they can have this one, but he's still weird - ET, AI, MIB II
Anne Heche - gay...straight...gay...straight, can anyone say hermaphrodite?
Drew Carey - this was a cheap shot.

So in conclusion, Ohio, much like Nick Lachey's solo career, has never had anything good come out of it.
I hope I've answered your question.