Nealey's Mythbusting Series

Question: Nealey, thou art wise beyond your years: why is the term "commencement" used to conclude academic voyages when in actuality, the root word "commence" means to begin or start?

Loyal subject, your inquiry is appreciated.

Answer: The wizard's in a nasty mood today kids, so there's no guarantees on the laugh factor.

When I hear 'commencement' I hear Pomp and Circumstance... An abyss of tears, flowers, balloons and fake 'goodbye' hugs flood my memory. An unsuccessful synchronized cap toss was the bane of my day. Of course I'm recalling my high school graduation, which I actually don't even think is a commencement at all. But alas, it's the only commencement I remember. I spent my college graduation on my couch, eating all day watching TV with friends. It was a great day.

The last thing I wanted to do was be in a stuffy room being herded like cattle, promenading among a bunch of people I never wanted to see again. For me, it was still a commencement. I was commencing the life I had been waiting for. The one sans school. This, for me was a nice day. For others, I've heard, it is a day to congratulate themselves on doing what millions of other kids around the country do every semester. I was hardly about to congratulate myself.

It took me five years to figure out the exact amount of classes I could get away with skipping, the number of times I could use the same excuse (once per class, per semester), and the fact that that little bit of multiplication means that in my last two years of school, I lied my way out of a potential 18 exams, papers, projects, and assignments. Note: This figure is merely an approximation, due to the fact that I often found myself making up lies to get through an entire class. I'm no math wiz, but apparently a minimalist. I have no shame. But I did have four simple rules:
1. never lie about something that could still happen or someone that still exists
2. never dodge anything that would cause more harm than good
3. never be vague when making excuses, leaves room for questions
4. never change your lie during the semester, due to the possibilities of cross referencing

Let me clarify these rules:
1a. I never lied about people who still lived (until last year) due to superstition. But it's still a rule, because the guilty aftermath is, trust me, not worth it. Just take a few more minutes and rearrange your story. Anyway, last year, because it was by far the most sneakiest of my years, I honestly ran out of dead and fake people so I had to use some existing ones. After the first time I felt really bad and was really nervous that bad things were going to start happening. But then I realized that I lie about good stuff all the time and that never comes true so when all remained quiet on the Western front, I let loose. Anyway, it's still a rule.
2a. I use the term 'harm' loosely, because I don't see bad grades as 'harm'. I see failing as harm. So in my case, I would say that sleeping in and failing a class would be doing more harm than good. However, watching tv and hanging out with my friends, or even working instead of going to class is doing much more good than harm. This includes doing these things instead of writing a paper and/or studying for an exam (if I've already prepared an excuse to buy me time). Most of the time late papers/delayed exams/ and excessive absences cause much more good than harm because as long as you've got a good excuse, these things go unpenalised and I've found can buy you very valuable time.
3a. Vagueness allows professors to think you're lying. I never left a detail untold. For example, four years ago, I decided that I prefered to watch Friends in my dorm room instead of going to my Western Civilization class. My dorm was 25ft from my classroom. I wrote my professor an email an hour after class and said the following:
"Dear Russian Professor that no one can understand and that everyone makes fun of,
I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to class today, my roommate woke up with explosive diarrhea and intense vomiting. I had to drive her to the St. Barnabas Hospital. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to make up the time lost.
Sincerely,
Nealey Politano"
no questions necessary.
4a. For the first 3 years of college, my story was that my brother was in a coma. For my last 2 years it was that my cousin died of Leukemia. Now okay this is not so cool because it happened, but I'm sure that he would be glad that he's provided me with so much joy. Actually I wouldn't doubt it, rest his soul. Anyway, when you've got a lie so big, and you're using it throughout the semester it's dangerous to change it because you could definitely confuse yourself and make mistakes. Also you could forget if you've already used that lie on that professor and it could just get really messy. Stay consistant.

This is what my GPA looked like when I graduated:
3.7
who would've guessed.

You can read more about being a shitty student in my book "How to Get More Out of Less."

Anyway, my kind, affectuous reader, commencement's meaning can be quite confusing and even paradoxical to what you're actually doing on that long awaited day. The reason is simple.
In Middle English, not to be confused with Middle Earth, the term is 'comsemente'. While it's the beginning of an activity, it's also the entrance upon privileges of a doctor or master in a university, also the action of taking on a full degree. In the latin word 'cominitiare', com- means 'together' and 'initiare' means initiate. Put 'em together and what do you get?
One under-achieving smartass.

Congratulations...